My Dearest Angel Baby,
Today is your sweet 16! I can hardly believe that the time has passed so fast and that today would be such a huge milestone for you. Though I know that driving and dating are not to be for you today, I still long for that. I miss that I will not get to help you get ready for your first date or dance with a boy and that I don't get to help you learn to drive or get to take you to get your drivers license soon. Those are truly things that make my heart ache for you. It is these kinds of moments that make the pain of loosing a child real. For the most part, the day to day of missing you is just a fleeting moment, but today for those moments that I think of the "what could have beens", my heart aches. I can only dream, but still in is something that will always remain. I know that someday I will get these moments, our Heavenly Father has promised that we will get to raise you. Until then, I will try my best to think of the positives and the memories that I do still have of you.
I ran a marathon for you a couple days ago. It was more entising to me to know that it would be on the day you died. You gave me strength in those moments that were the hardest for me. I was so happy that the finish line is so close to the cemetery. In those moments when I didn't think I could run any further, knowing that I was running towards you made it easier. I would just keep thinking with every step, run to Rylan, run to Rylan, and it made it possible. Your sister even had tape and signs all over her body reminding me why I was running a marathon. It was sweet.
I am always amazed when the kids tell me that they miss you. It is not often, but it still strikes me as amazing. I wonder how they can miss somebody that they have never met. Then I have to remind myself that they have met you and that they do know you. It is often Daxton that is the one who says he misses you and we have decided it is because he is the last to have been with you in the Spirit World. I am just happy that they keep your spirit and memory alive in our home.
It is sad to me that my thoughts of you dwindle year by year. There are quiet moments when I think of you, but for the most part they are scarce. That kind of scares me, but it also means that I have truly moved past your death, and that is good. When death happens, it is so fully consuming that you think that you will never get over it, but little by little, day by day, year by year, I have gotten over it. My heart still has a piece with a hole in it, but I am at peace. I know that my Heavenly Father's plan for me included losing a child that I would fight every day to be able to see again. I know that He knows me well enough to know that not only can I handle the time without you, I can also help others who are coping with more recent loses. I never thought I would find gratitude in this trial, but I have. I have been shaped, in some ways, by your death. I have become the mother, wife and person that I am because of you. So thank you, for being willing to be the valiant spirit and servant of the Lord that you are. I know that our time apart is short in the grand scheme of Eternity and am so grateful for the knowledge that I have that we will be forever together someday if I do my part!
Happy Sweet 16!
Love,
Mom
