One year older and wiser too.....

......Happy birthday to you!!! This Primary song was what I thought of as I was thinking of Rylan, today. I don't think it is her that is getting "wiser" as the years go by without her on this Earth. I am in awe each year, at the amount of growth that goes on in our family. I am so grateful that I have taken the opportunity the last few years to write down my feelings about her birthday. Each year, I am reminded again and again of Eternity, and my testimony is strengthened as I gain more and more perspective as to how trials and loss really affect us. This year is no different. Except this year, we also had another loss. Though Jill(Mrs. Foy), was not technically IN our family, we were close to her and her death has profoundly affected my family and I. I have had a really hard time with the "why". With Rylan's death, there was some sort of peace in her going. Peace in the fact that she didn't have to be limited anymore. Peace in the fact that she would have her sight and be able to walk and be able to sing and talk and DO! Do all the things that here, on this Earth, were so hard and pretty much impossible for her. We have completely felt, on many different levels, that she fulfilled her mission on this Earth. She did what she needed to do, got her body, helped her dad to join the church, and returned to her Eternal home. With Jill, I feel a little different. I watched her be vibrant, and loving, and caring, and contributing so much to the daily lives of so many adults and children. And though Rylan contributed a lot to our home, I still can understand that her earthly journey was over. I know someday that all of the loss and deaths that we all go through, will someday make sense. Though I don't understand Jills death, I know I will. I know that there is a reason, and that ALL of Heavenly Fathers plan is just that, a plan! A plan greater than anything we could ever even fathom or comprehend. I gain some solice in the fact that I know both of them are just as loved in Heaven as they were here, and that they are contributing greatly to the work that needs to be done.

My faith in our Heavenly Fathers plan grows each year. As I watch friends and family be tested and tried, I gain a greater testimony of that fact that our trials really are for a greater purpose. We are not just sent here to be born and die. We are sent here to live and prove that we are worthy and willing to do whatever it takes to return to Him and to all of our loved ones that pass before us. I feel blessed to have such a strong testimony of trials. I know that living through something like a child dying is something that has given me strength. I know that I can help others as they are tried, to continue on. That life does go on, that time does continue, and that our trials are not to punish us. Though in the moment, it is so hard to watch others wonder how they will go on, I feel strength in the fact that I can testify that you will live again, and be happy. There have been several times in my life, that I really wished I could take on some of the trial that I have watched other go through. Death in other peoples families makes me kind of relive the hard moments of remembering Rylan dying. It also makes me realize how far I have come. Trials are us being tried....they are our test to prove worthy.....they are what make us stronger....they are what make us who we are, and also what prepares us for what we ultimately want out of our existence-Eternal life with our families and loved ones.

I am so grateful for how far we have all come. We are blessed with beautiful children who are faithful, and bless our lives, and teach us more about the gospel than we could ever teach them. I feel so blessed to know that Rylan's contribution to her dads conversion, has been profound. He amazes me with his testimony, and it is growing all the time. I feel so blessed to have him being such a vital part of our ward and family. Early on in our marriage, I would have never even imagined that he would be the Priesthood holder that he has become. I know Rylan has had a lot to do with his transformation. Though he doesn't talk about her often, I know that she impacts him just as she impacts me. We are striving for all of our children to be blessed with the blessing of the Celestial Kingdom that Rylan has already attained. It is amazing how as your children start to get older, that you would honestly and fully take their being worthy members of the church over anything else this life has to offer. I pray daily for their success and for their little testimonies to grow and flourish. I am so excited for that day when we can finally stand as a family in front of our Heavenly Father and be invited into the Celestial Kingdom with Rylan. How great will my joy be to see that day come. I know that the things we are doing now to prepare for that day are very important. The scripture study, and the family prayers, and Family Home Evening, and Family Council, and all the other things ARE the way to keep our family close and headed in the right direction. I am so grateful for the extra push she gives us to strive for Eternity.

Today, I am grateful for this gospel. We are so blessed to have the fullness of it and be lucky enough to live when such amazing things are going on. I am so grateful for the enlightenment I seem to receive more of every year. I look at the last 14 years of my life, and think "Holy Cow, did all of this really happen to me and my family?!" Sometimes I honestly feel like it happened to somebody else and that it was somebody else's trial, that somebody else lost a child so many years ago. When I look back at pictures of Tony and I with Rylan, I am shocked by how little and young we looked at how big she was! I look at 20 year olds that I know and think, "How did I do that?!" But I did, and I am what I am because of it! We are blessed, we are happy, and I feel lucky to be the mom of an amazing Celestial little lady!

Happy Birthday, Rylan!

Why is this tweenager of mine looking so old?!!!!

Tony and I were picturing us taking 40+ balloons to her grave someday! :) For this year, it was 14!

I love that even daddy doesn't even question these traditions of ours every year!

The sun was NOT cooperative, this year!